You know the drill – I read texts from Texts From Last Night and realize several of them sound like my friends. Agree? Disagree? Have your own to add? Leave a comment and whatnot.
(814) I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: “Mommy…should we buy cups for daddy’s spit?”
(910) I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
(703) I can feel you judging me through the phone.
(917) my milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
(205) i just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
(609) we got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
(518) i want a grilled cheese and an IV
(404) I’m at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking “do you like to melt things?” clearly they only want the ambitious.
(703) I feel like I’m waiting in line to date brett michaels
(703) i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later…what is wrong with me.
(720) i was gonna tell him a really embarrassing story about you, but then I remembered i’m in all of them.
(916) Wine smoothie…not as good as I thought it would be.
(832) I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
(516) Just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now that’s determination.
(317) doo rag and shades in the bar. you are missing your future husband.
(218) The interviewer had a hook for his right I hand. I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
(612) I’m convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person
(512) Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a Zip Lock. Screw the environment, that bag is loud.
(507) You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying “My sock feels like a water slide.
(617) Bibgbird is at the bar I’m at. what’s her name
(740) How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
(607) can we get nightvision for the apartment?
(775) I wish Mother Nature was an actual person cause I’d bitch slap her for sure
(330) Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? You need to let me know these things ahead of time so I don’t worry.
(631) I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
(314) I wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
(904) sorry about calling you the devil all night.
(203) I can’t, I’m busy. I’ve been walking around Tokyo on Google maps for an hour.
(901) I’m at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of whack a mole
(713) my boss just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
(205) why does Corona taste like a burp?
(706) almost accidentally stole a baby…explain later.
(240) oh well at that point i was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie
(781) the cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
(781) I love boston
(919) My corndog is a like a popsicle of bread. A. WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF. BREAD.
(781) he has that cheese in a can and he’s eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie
(630) Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes “don’t do that.”
(1-630) Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
(805) my phone now changes “me” to mrrrrrrh”, thank you new year’s
(510) I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn’t answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number
(1-510) It was probably Jesus.
(510) I feel like he would have left a message
(618) I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided
(209) do you want me to make hamburgers?
(541) I’m vegan
(209) I’ll put lettuce on them
(718) no. I didn’t make it. Instead, I watched VH1 for…13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav’s clocks to tell time after the first three hours
(352) Correct me if I’m wrong but the photo album titles “Cause I’ve been drunken'” and “Baby Jessica” should not belong to the same person.
(732) You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
(541) I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
(716) Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, “Creep-per.”
(402) you looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes
(864) i just ran from santa claus in Kroger
(914) Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not done a cover of it.
(541) my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
(217) I just don’t understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
(330) There’s someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob and talking on the phone
(917) I just saw an Asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you.
(407) He looks like the kind of guy that still collects Pokemon cards.
(818) Its like a parade of train wrecks
(978) yeah, where have you been?
(407) clearly not facebooking enough. sweet jesus.
(360) she smelled like a LAN party
(217) that guy you’re talking to looks like Brian from family guy.
(952) I think I just saw hanson and the grocery store. One might have been a girl. Hard to tell. Let’s call that one Taylor.
(360) had a drag queen carried me to the car. So I’m told.
(920): when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
(619) dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
(973) lesbians are nice people they do not take debit cards
(847) I’ll pull you in a wagon. You’ll have a sash and a crown on and we’ll sing “All the Single Ladies”
(605) say something about gay babies
(716) her body is proportioned like a family guy character
(586) More tranny stories later!
(226) please don’t ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again.
(972) by the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor
(210) Somebody was walking their dog with their car, seriously.
(619) you assured me you’d make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
(774) i just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
(832) moral of the story: I’m going to stab everyone
(603) the only people who have said happy valentine’s day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
(512) you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to “man up” when it cried.
(860) I’m having a hard time not telling people about your bathroom story.
(860) I have no recollection of sleep choking you.
(256) in an unhealthy relationship should definitely be a Facebook option
(734) Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon! Love you, Mom.