I shouldn’t…watch this show II

Yep. It’s another one of those feature-y things we seem to like so much over here at on-account-of.
Do you watch “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” on Animal Planet? Because shit’s crazy. Correction: People are crazy. Who says “I’m gonna go off on my own in the ocean for a month, don’t worry about me, and if you don’t hear from me by the end of the month, wait a couple more weeks before you start looking for me”? ‘Cause that’s pretty much what happens.

Last time I wrote you a little stream-o’-consciousness with this show, it was also about the ocean. And a guy named Steve. I am now convinced that the only people who go sailing and almost die from it are named Steve. Never get on a boat with a man named Steve. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

So yeah. I watched some more ISBA and took notes. Here goes.

I Shouldn’t Be Alive: 76 Days in the Atlantic Ocean

Premise: A 29-year-old goes on “the sailing trip of a lifetime.” Ain’t that the truth..

Sailed from US to Canary Islands. He has 3,000 miles to go to get home. Awesome. He should just fly.

Trip is an adventure, “a means of escape.” Well, you’re gonna escape, alright.

His name is Steve. They’re always named Steve.

Wasn’t paying attention just now but he said “I pictured myself more of like a sea creature.” Hmm. I think I would want to be a dolphin.

And of course there’s a storm. But he’s an experienced sailor and that’s all that matters.

Oh, bad weather and he’s going to bed. Yeah, lay down and get seasick. And maybe choke when you throw up from it.

Shit. Iceberg. Not really, but it’s filling up like the Titanic. And he’s downstairs. Hey claustrophobia.

He does have a nice life raft…it looks like a tent on top of a tube. And now he’s gotta get back on the boat and get equipment and food and stuff so he doesn’t die on the raft.

WHY DO THESE PEOPLE GO SAILING?

The re-enactor guy looks like Sawyer from LOST. Aw.. LOST.

Oh cool. Now he’s locked underwater in the cabin of the boat…THE BOAT THAT’S SINKING. Hello, new biggest fear!

(Sidebar: Baby Einstein is afraid of boats. Not like, to look at or anything, but to be on. After seeing things like this, not a crazy thing to be scared of.)

Oh good, he got out. And got his stuff. And he has shorts on and is freezing. Also the waves are tossing his raft around like crazy. Why hasn’t he thrown up – or did they edit that out?

All alone in the middle of the ocean. And, like everyone on this damn show “no one will be looking for him for several days.” In his case, though, it’s weeks.

“The world’s biggest desert is the ocean.” Interesting.

He had a water purifier but has no idea how to use it. That sucks.

“I was lonesome.” Um, you were gonna be lonesome on the boat, now you’re just lonesome on the raft. The only difference is less room and easier for sharks to get you.

Don’t drink so much water, you have to be out there for 76 days! (Oh wait, he doesn’t know that part.)

One week in..he needs to get his science on and figure out how in the hell to work the water purifier thing.

Had to cut one of the three of them open to figure it out, but hey, at least he doesn’t have to drink sea water.

He’s run out of food. You have a harpoon, son. You risked your life to go back to get it. Get to fishin’.

He saw a fish – dude, don’t stab the boat.

Ooh he got one. And is now beating it to death. That’s some Bear Grylls-like shit. This is happening day 14.

He just said “as long as the raft stays in one piece, I’ll be OK.” You know that’s not gonna last. FORESHADOWING.

And there’s the sharks. Messin’ with his raft. Those sharks are such bullies.

Man vs. Shark. Scared him off. That’s good.

He sees a ship. And it’s super-close. Now he’s drinking all his water. Bad idea…

It passed him. Because “it’s really hard to be seen at sea, even if you’re looking for something.” Well, that makes you hopeful.

Ships keep passing him…how frigging frustrating.

He’s been out there a month. Apparently ships only pass at night. Also, nobody at home is looking for him. Possibly my new second-worst fear: Being lost and no one knows or will be looking for you for a while.

It took him a month to cry – he says. I’d have been sobbing – and probably dead – night 1.

He says he’s so thirsty he’d trade his hand for a cup of water. I hope I am never that thirsty.

“I was getting skinnier” – cut to shot of Sawyer-like actor boy’s sexy abs.

Tried to catch a fish and it popped his raft. Day 34.

“He’s in serious trouble.” No shit, narrator man.

Remember how you said you could survive if the raft was intact? JINXED IT.

Geez, now he has to pump it back full of air. Constantly. Yeah, and we’re on day 50.

He gave up. And is now thinking he’s wasted his life.

Kind of looks like Jesus right now.

He stuck a fork in a patch in a raft. Worked. Win? Also he has a sunburn. And is gonna try fishing again. Better not pop your raft again.

Day 60 – get under the tent part, you’re gonna get sun poisoning.

He has a watch. So there’s that..

Day 66. Two frigging months. Now his solar things don’t work anymore. No more water.

I read somewhere recently that you can survive a few weeks or something without water but only 11 days without sleep. That’s all he’s doing.

“He’s losing his mind.” He looks like a caveman. Or a murderer. Day 69.

Day 74. How will it END?!

He’s rocking back and forth. First sign of crazy. Next stop, maniacal laughter.

Now he’s hallucinating. Ready to die. Which, on this show, means you either have four to eight more days to go, or YOU’RE ‘BOUT TO GET RESCUED!

He bumped into plastic bottles and crates and stuff in the water – OH, so he’s in the Ohio River?

Sawyer never looked this rough on LOST.

I never want to go sailing.

Now the one island he almost runs into has cliffs and reefs and is gonna pop his boat again. Unless he is rescued by these guys in a fishing boat! Hallelujah.

The guys that rescued him asked him what he was doing out here.

Um, dying. And getting sunburnt.

He weighs 100 pounds after all that. And stays in the hospital for six weeks. Whoa.

“I had too much unfinished business and that kept me alive.” Like ghosts?

The end.

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One thought on “I shouldn’t…watch this show II

  1. Rachel says:

    I’m laughing hysterically at this because I’ve seen that episode. It tells you in the beginning that he’s out there 76 days and then when the story finally starts and it says “day 1” you’re like HOW IS HE GOING TO DO THISSSSSS???? You’re right though, Sawyer didn’t ever look that rough. Maybe because he didn’t have to MAKE HIS OWN WATER

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