I shouldn’t….watch this show

There’s this show on the Discovery Channel, maybe you’ve heard of it. It’s called “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” and it’ll basically make you scared to go anywhere ever.

They tell the story – through re-enactments and voice-overs from the survivors – of what they went through and seriously after all of it, they really shouldn’t be alive. I probably wouldn’t be if it had been me. But that is because I’m a wimp.

For your reading pleasure, I thought I’d give you a little stream-of-consciousness writing from my brain during a recent episode of the show. it was called Ocean Disaster and it’s an episode from season 4, if you care to look it up.

So, here we go:

Premise: Boat capsizes in Gulf of Mexico during a boat race. Five guys almost die. 26 hours.

Guy who’s boat it is – he’s an experienced sailor. Of course he is. He loves the ocean. Bet he doesn’t anymore.

He’s got four college kids with him. They have sailing experience. Doesn’t say how he’s reached that determination. Well, I’ve been on a boat four times, does that count?

Skipper’s responsible for everything. “It’s not a responsibility you take lightly.” All I know about skippers are from Gilligan’s Island and Barbie’s little sister.

Sami’s afraid of boats. She shouldn’t watch this. Or read any further, if she’s reading. SAMI STOP HERE.

Least-experienced guy is really excited. Bet he messes it up. He’s steering at the moment.

“It was a beautiful night.” Yeah, not for much longer..

Some of the guys are sleeping on the boat. I’ve tried that, makes me nauseous.

Oh damn. Boat is taking on water – this never ends well. Remember Titanic?

Uh oh. Capsized. And some guys are stuck downstairs, which is underwater. My worst fear. Yep. This is why I don’t like submarines.

They’re unclipping from the boat. Awesome. But, uh, what about sharks?

OMG the guys downstairs are still stuck inside the boat and it’s upside down and filling up with water. Oh. And dark.

Now they have to swim down through a whole that water is rushing through. HOW THE HELL DO THEY GET OUT? Shouldn’t be alive, indeed. Ok they pushed the one guy out.

Oh good. Someone is without a life jacket. And it’s nighttime.

Now they’re tying themselves together with their belts so nobody floats away.

Most common phrase in this show “NOBODY KNOWS THEY’RE MISSING.” Sometimes I get frustrated with my mom for always checking in, but you better believe I go out somewhere crazy, I’m letting people know what’s up.

“Until you go back on shore you’re still a skipper.” That’s what the guy just said. Um, OK, but what about when THE SHARKS COME?

Fun fact: Seawater contains three times more salt than human blood. Thanks, Animal Planet. Swallowing a pint can cause kidney failure or death. CLOSE YOUR MOUTH AT THE BEACH. Noted.

There’s no waves all day, but of course as soon as the boat capsizes there’s a storm. I thought that just happened in movies.

Youngest guy – without a life jacket – wants to swim seven miles to this oil rig.

They keep calling the guy Skipper Steve. Just like Scuba Steve, only he looks like Colonel Sanders.

OH SNAP. Sharks. Skipper Steve sees ’em. Nobody else does. And he’s not gonna tell them. Are you kidding? I fall into the ocean without a boat, all I’m going to be thinking – and probably saying – is “Oh crap, sharks. Where are they? Oh crap.”

They’ve been floating 13 hours. And they’re getting sunburns. And they have to hold up that one kid that doesn’t have a life jacket.

OH NOW he wants to swim to the oil rig thing. Watch out for the sharks.

I wonder if any of these re-enactors will go on to become famous. ‘How’d you get your start?’ ‘I played Skipper Steve on an episode of I Shouldn’t Be Alive.’

“The guys swim for over 2 hours.” Yeah I’d already be done.

Another fun fact: The human body can survive 48 hours without water. However, saltwater makes you dehydrated. Figure that one out.

14 hours in the ocean, here comes the helicopter – but oh, we got 20 minutes of show left. You know they don’t get saved yet.

“We could see them the whole time, but they couldn’t see us.” HOW HORRIBLE. Now everyone thinks they’re gonna die. I’d have thought that hour 3.

And they’ve all got BAD sunburns. Oh and now they’re gonna get hypothermia.

Helicopters are leaving. Skipper Steve just told them they’re probably gonna be out there all night again.

I think the narrator just got a ‘tude. Skipper Steve said you had to have the will to live – narrator just said that’s true “but that doesn’t help against hypothermia.”

Skinniest dude is fading fast. Pays to have some meat on your bones, apparently. Good to know.

This guy just said ocean like, “oohshin.”

OH snap, helicopter in the dark. They’re gonna live. And they need aloe and some Dasani.

Well. This episode has solidified my fear of being in an enclosed space underwater, so good luck getting me on a submarine, ever. Or in the bottom part of a boat.

Or in a boat race, even if I was with someone called Skipper Steve.

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