Sounds familiar IV

That’s right. We’re up to four.

You might have seen here at on-account-of.com – that’s right, the wordpress part is gone, I own that domain, suckaaaas – where I share texts from TFLN that, in my opinion, sound like they could be from me or my friends or family.

Oh, you haven’t? Well here are Vols. one, two and three.

And I’m sure there will be more. But for now, here’s the latest ones that, had I not known better, could have totally come from my (or my friends’) phone. Thoughts, suggestions for Volume 5, general messages of love and appreciation? Leave ’em in the comments.

Sounds like….any of my friends, couldn’t narrow it down

(537) This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed.

(908) But I did once see a show where a woman was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes, it didn’t look half bad…so this is me promising to you that if i am ere living in an abandoned school bus I will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes.

(714) it has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends.

(215) i cont stop tolling in a british axsent.

(304) you had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.

(781) my bra broke, so i macguyvered that shit together with floss.

(940) i’m not 100 percent sure but i think someone gave me a bath last night.

(254) the night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to willenium.

(732) the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on.

(214) what the hell you updated twitter but didn’t answer my text. i know you’re alive.

(323) literally had 100 drinks last night.

(484) in retrospect – making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.

(828) i just saw the host of singled out do standup. holy shit 1995.

(508) i guess i gave him a 20-minute play by play of the first three sections of R. Kelly’s Trapped in the closet.

(847) I think i have internal bruising from the poses we were doing last night. my own ribs hurt me, i don’t understand.

(336) why am i a bad person? you were the one trying to get people to eat tape.

(520) he just got home drunk. he ate five snack cakes, said little debbie’s his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.

(417) was this before or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese and made it rain.

(859) did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring??

(360) it feels like jesse james cheated on america.

(216) i just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.

(952) i had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as lady gaga

(616) omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90s shot by a jealous husband.

(609) wife swap. family of midgets. lifetime. now.

(925) make sure i look cute passed out on the couch

(310) fact: godric looks like david archuleta

Sounds like…between me and Anthony
(281) I love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy.

(443) where are you
(240) hypothermia

(316) also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I’m using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don’t really think that’s sanitary.

Sounds like…someone to or about Anthony

(205) he’s wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos “topless” since he took their tops off.

(518) he threw up on me. hugged my leg and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said ‘it’s like the sour patch kid commercials.”

(508) you kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like ‘balls of sandpaper.’

(229) you kept telling the cashier that this order was “to go” over an over. even though we were in the drive thru.

Sounds like…Caitlin

(805) for a minute i thought i needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then i remembered i’m in college.

(517) my roommate still talks on AIM. what is this, middle school?

(605) and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.

Sounds like…Liz

(732) that’s cool. i just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

(805) do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?

(609) why does hilary duff have a greatest hits album

(484) they have a vomit trough.
(610) what?
(484) a trough for vomit.

Sounds like…Rachel

(314) disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. remember that one.

(845) so i’m in a museum and there’s a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. colonial hazing.

(702) i just realized there’s an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache. sad.

(717) how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way?
(1-717) you don’t.

(678) the police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.

(401)THAT’LL be a good time. and i don’t know why my phone always capitalizes that word.

(504) Penelope Cruz needs to learn american words.

(301) i kept saying “bloody hell” in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up.

(386) also i just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at target.

(973) obama just said the words “we’re all in this together.” i wanted to start singing high school musical.

(970) i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houston’s “i wanna dance with somebody.” you left on my voicemail.

(312) the maid of honor just puked.

(503) bahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someones name tattooed on his arm, crossed out and another name below it.

(917) she’s still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom.

(480) she looked like the bat from fern gully.

(303) can’t remember why i called but it definitely had something to do with lou bega.

Sounds like….me

(502) why is it people are always in costumers on cheaters these days? Joey Greco just said “it appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw.” wtf?

(704) apparently i had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.

(770) also you were throwing your phone yelling ‘this is durable as shit.’

(502) of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.’

(720) so i just got diagnosed with swine flu. i’m at walgreens and i look like crap and this guy keeps staring at me. i’m gonna cough in his face.
(970) well don’t.
(720) i didn’t. i just coughed and looked at him menacingly. he got it.

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3 thoughts on “Sounds familiar IV

  1. Anthony says:

    This is my favorite feature on your blog! I literally almost got fired laughing at work reading this on my lunch break. HAHAHAHAHA….they always sound just like the people you say! Sour patch kids! LOL…vodka and food coloring. Takes me back…

  2. Aracely says:

    Your writing style is quite neat. I can tell that you really like writing. I have been writing non stop for a lot of large corporations of late. I am actually making a good amount of money putting together articles (almost like your own right here)–certainly not getting rich, yet pulling in $200-$300 every day or two. Our mailbox is definitely swamped with a few articles, twelve blog posts (make $25-$50 ea.), and a movie script I still have to edit. But when I take a break, your website is one of the few I am likely to take a look at :). Don’t get me wrong, I ENJOY writing, and getting paid for it too, geez… If you know anyone interested in getting paid decent money for writing, here is the place I work for:
    ncsall.org

    -Aracely

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