Well, that was weird

Remember how I told you that I got a spa package for Christmas? I told you about the new experience of getting a facial and besides the pedicure I got in February and Friday’s experience, I have two times to return to that place before the gifts it includes expire.

Would we call them gifts? I’m not sure. I mean, the facial was nice and the pedicure was awesome. But I had my first-ever massage on Friday, and it was just…strange.

Now, I know the basics of what goes into this whole massage thing. You take all your clothes off but your underwear (which you do during a facial too, SURPRISE!) and get under a sheet. They play soft music and there’s usually some sort of waterfall/running water sound nearby – all well and good if they hadn’t asked me if I wanted something to drink right beforehand. Sure! That makes it so much easier to NOT THINK ABOUT HAVING TO PEE THE WHOLE TIME.

During the facial, the girl was all calm and whispery and for the most part quiet. The lady giving my massage? OPPOSITE. P.S. She happens to be the owner, too.

She comes in and asks if I’ve ever had a massage before, to which I say no, and then she asks if I want her to just work on my back and neck or my entire body. I said entire body, thinking that was the whole point of a full body massage..I shouldn’t have.

So I’m trying to relax, and while she’s starting work on my back, she is almost
shouting while telling me basically I’m lucky that I’m getting this massage in the first place because when they sent out their spa package info out to the printer for them to sell, the printer got the information wrong and they were gonna just give everyone who had it their money back instead. Oh, and in using the package, they were pretty much losing money, that’s how wrong the information was.

Guess who’s thinking about how this is not my fault and could she please not take out her anger about the situation on every muscle in my neck? Yeah.

I say I should’ve had her stick to my neck and back because everything else hurt. Or was weird. She poked the sides of my butt a couple times (really didn’t need that massaged, thanks) and massaged my legs and feet, which would have been fine except I almost slipped out of my flip flops on the way out, thanks to the lotion.

Then, she worked on my scalp – which could very easily have put me to sleep – and did this thing that I can only describe as “trying to push my brain out through the base of my skull.” Seriously. My back was arched up off the table and I’m gritting my teeth, trying not to say “IS THIS SUPPOSED TO RELAX ME?” Because I was gritting my teeth in an effort to keep pieces of my brain from escaping out my mouth. It was that painful.

At the end is the part I don’t understand. Tack on 15 extra minutes after the whole thing’s over for the person to relax. When she was done, she told me to lay there until I was ready to get up and leave, which is bull because with the exception of the almost brain surgery, I was so relaxed I could’ve taken a nap. But they don’t want you to take a nap, they want you to tip them. And get out, because they’re losing money, remember?

Oh, and final nail in the coffin of awkward? Right before she walked out the door, she said, “How did you like your massage?” And I said “Fine.” And she said, “Good, you’re not a virgin anymore!”

Now I know she was referring to me not being a virgin to massages anymore, but it’s an interesting choice of words when the other person is lying 98 percent naked under a sheet in front of you.

Like I said before, this whole pampering thing is new to me. So new, in fact, that I am still processing the weirdness of the whole massage experience and reminding myself just to have them do the back and neck next time.

Next up, a body wrap, which I have also never had before and imagine to feel like you’re in either a cocoon or a giant burrito. And you’re most likely naked. Fantastic.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

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