My critiques will be free of ‘dawgs,’ mean metaphors and ridiculous percentages

I guess I’m what you’d call a media personality. I mean, I’m in the media, and I have a personality. But I’m not, like, famous or anything. Yet. 🙂

Working at a paper, especially one in a small town, you get to know people. And, usually, people know you. Or, you think they do, and then you get an e-mail from someone you talk to for stories on a pretty regular basis and in it, she calls you LAUREN.

Being a reporter has earned me a pass to do some interesting stuff – get a good seat at packed events so I can take pictures, ride in a Blackhawk helicopter, meet Sandra Bullock’s husband – and now, I get to be Simon Cowell. Or Kara. Or Ellen. But not Randy. He’s a bazillion percent ridiculous.

Our newspaper is sponsoring an American Idol-type singing competition with the chamber of commerce and another business. They needed judges. And I GET TO BE ONE. When I found out we were a sponsor, I asked my boss if we were gonna have a judge to represent us. She said we could and when I told her I’d do it if that was the case, she suggested I call and let the chamber office know.

Cut to today, when I get an official e-mail asking me if I’d be a judge and outlining some of the rules, to which of course I said SIGN ME UP. But I still have some questions.

Do we have a Ryan Seacrest equivalent? Do I need to bring my own Coke cup or will it be provided? Should I wear sunglasses and demand lots of smoke breaks (even though I don’t smoke)? Am I going to need to bring my own headache medicine? Should I practice saying “I’m sorry, sweetie, but no” or come up with my own catchphrase for when someone’s awesome?

I know what I won’t be saying. If asked yes or no, there will be no “A zillion percent yes” or “You were a little bit pitchy, dawg”-type things coming from this judge. I know my stuff. Or at least I should by Wednesday, that’s when auditions start.

We won’t be sending the good ones on to Hollywood, but they will be going to the other side of the county, which leads me to one more question. When we pass them through, do we say, “You’re going to Buckner!!!!!!”??

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