I’m a nice person, I think…

Attn: Everyone
Just because I may not be the “smilingest” person or may at times be unfiltered from my thoughts to what I say does not mean I dislike you, have a problem with you, hate you or whatever.

For as long as I can remember, people have thought I am mad, sad or don’t like them. That’s almost NEVER the case, but apparently that’s how I come off. And it really bothers me but I don’t know if I can change it.
People sometimes don’t think I’m happy, especially about presents, because I don’t make a big deal. I don’t know why, it’s just how I am. I don’t smile 24/7, or even as much as most people. Doesn’t mean I’m sad, that’s just me. I also don’t filter myself sometimes (which I can control, but sometimes don’t) when dealing with silly or stupid or ridiculous things.

But, apparently, throughout especially the past 10 years or so, people mistake my regular personality for animosity or dislike. I cannot help how much I do or don’t smile. And a lot of times the stuff I say that comes off as mean isn’t intended that way. I do try VERY hard NOT to show when I DON’T LIKE people, and I thought I’ve done fine. I guess not – because just today I found out that a person I’ve always treated with respect and been polite to thinks that I don’t like them. I’ve heard it before. And it hurts my feelings.

I don’t like when people don’t like me. I don’t like when they think I don’t like them. I don’t like knowing or thinking people are mad at me. I don’t like thinking that I’ve said something to make someone mad or make someone think I don’t like them. I am harder on and meaner to myself than anyone else could probably ever be sometimes about things and this is no exception.

When I found out this person thought I disliked them, I felt really angry at myself. I mentally re-ran every conversation I’d ever had with that person, every time I saw them what I said and did..I can’t think of any reason why they would feel that way. But like I said, heard it before. So. What can I do? Since I’ve realized my lack of a filter I’ve been trying to be careful. I watch what I say and don’t say anything mean to anyone on purpose….

I think: I am a polite person. I am a good person. I’m empathetic and sympathetic and take things personally sometimes when I maybe shouldn’t. I also speak my mind. I don’t smile a lot, but that doesn’t mean I’m not happy. When you first meet me, if we’re not immediately BFFs, it also doesn’t mean I dislike you. I worry so much about ridiculous things. I worry about things like this that I may not need to be worrying a ton about.

I don’t know – this has been on my mind a lot today. I really don’t like that people think this of me but it’s how I am. It’s hard to completely change your whole personality. But like I said at the beginning..I want everyone to know: even if I don’t smile a lot or when you think I’m supposed to; even if I am quiet and not crazy-friendly-excited when we meet/see each other; does NOT mean I dislike you. So please don’t think that.

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