Tag Archives: funny

Just watching you while you sleep…

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I need more public transportation in my life.

Most of my experiences with buses or trains or subways or monorails or boats or whatever, have all been while I’m out of town on vacation.

In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve fallen asleep on all of the aforementioned modes of transportation, especially that one time when Ash and I went to London and had such bad jet lag we slept for 13 hours.

Speaking of, I took a picture of Ashley asleep on the subway while we were there. Because it’s funny to take pictures of people while they sleep. Because usually they look crazy/weird. And by they, I mean me.

And the people at poopt.tumblr.com.. Because apparently, someone got the idea to start a blog where it’s all just submitted photos of people asleep on public transportation. (Be real, you thought for a second because of the url it was gonna be about poop, didn’t you. Sorry to disappoint.)

I wish I’d thought of that.

And also may have found a new goal – get my picture on that website. But it has to be taken by someone I don’t know. Which means my friends can’t submit a picture of me sleeping on a bus and send it in. Also, I guess that means I need to start taking the bus.

If I ever add a tagline to this blog…

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I cannot take credit for naming this blog. That would be The Roommate, who said something like, “You should call it ‘On Account Of’ or something like that since you say that a lot.” And the rest is history.

I also cannot take credit for this next gem, which is a beautiful, wonderful compliment (of which are few and far between when it comes to The Roommate and I, but we love each other, I promise. He’s my best friend.) and as I mentioned earlier, a possible future tagline for this here blog.

Anthony: Your writing reminds me of a touching Oprah story.

It’s a toss-up between that or “Like Oprah, only better.”

Sounds familiar XIII

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You know how they say 13 is an unlucky number? Well, in this case it’s not. It’s lucky. For you!

Sounds like…Me
(717): Gotcha. Well, I’m puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says “love the moment” around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.

(515): you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you were gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny.

(727): I’ve been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn’t think I was that drunk but I guess I am.

(570): That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.

(570): They’re doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.

(478): You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover.

(403): You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn’t lose you if you went pee in the dark.

(870): Don’t make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I’ve been that girl.

(925): I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
(1-925): We just have a real special relationship.

(910): You went to jail last night?!
(1-910): Just a little bit.

(970): I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.

(707): I would’ve been fine if I didn’t do the three shots
(1-707): You did like 8.

(310): Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?

(316):So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
(1-316):That sounds dangerous
(316): Don’t worry……were wearing oven mits.

Sounds like…Anthony
(815): I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.

(616): Don’t be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.

(212): You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.

(360): you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.

(210):Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.

Sounds like…Rachel
(248): Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.

(207): I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup.

(770): the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.

(913): The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
(816): Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from.

(859): She’s the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon.

(314): I think mom knows I’m drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.

(303): I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.

(902): I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there’s no hope for us.

(352):there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.

Sounds like…Sami
(919): The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers.

(207): She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight.

(+27): Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said “Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!”.

(214): How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?

(314): Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!

(412): on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.

Sounds like…Liz
(217): Oh, and she’s that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns.

(508): she vomitted in her champagne, said “fuck it, it’s new years”, and continued drinking.

(281): you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka.

(203): WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS.

(443): I’m in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn’t look so pretty “in these parts”.

(404): I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.

(714): im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.

(727): Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?

(650): lol i’m looking through my photos and there’s this giant section of just dudes wearing murses.

(917): Her stripper name is Geico. I’m not drunk or creative enough to make this up.

(727): Was I really yelling “girls night” at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?

(408): Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
(831): You did a keg stand on the toilet?!

Sounds like…Jennifer
(206): I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.

(720): You’re the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.

(608): not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave.

(503): You’re in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.

(637): I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night.

(925): Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.

(803): Agreed. That’s like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet.

(918): It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it’s a cash bar?

(920): Just found a note from Saturday that says “rainy soft hair”…. Any ideas?

(319):Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn’t know.

Obviously the best idea ever

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OK, so my thoughts are when you pick your five you should also be allowed an alternate, should one of your choices do something as horrible as get a bad haircut or date Scarlett Jowhocares or something equally as horrible to taint their amazingness.

If that’s the case, then I know who mine is. Ryan Gosling. Obvs.

Why is he not in my five already? Well, because that’s just too easy. He’s in everyone’s five. Except for my friend Stephanie. Her type is completely different, meaning the number one on her list is the guy from the All-State commercials.

However, I do have a bit of a crush on Mr. Gosling as well, which is why I find the following so awesome.

It’s from a tumblr I follow called, appropriately (earmuffs, kiddos) Fuck Yeah, Ryan Gosling.

Because really, who doesn’t look at him and think that? Besides Stephanie.

Someone has found all these photos of him and puts text on it that is more often than not as funny or funnier than the one I posted above. They all start out pretty much the same: “Hey girl…” It’s so easy, and amazing. And hilarious. Why didn’t I think of it?

Foiled again.

Sounds familiar XII

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I don’t think any further explanation is needed, so here you go, the final one of these for 2011. Any ideas on how to change it up or add to it for 2012, send ‘em along. Also send along ones you find on your own — speaking of, thank you, Sami, for contributing a few to this one.

Enjoy.

Sounds like…Me
(604): That was an excessively violent trivia night.

(847) I’ll pull you in a wagon. You’ll have a sash and a crown on and we’ll sing “All the Single Ladies”

(616) I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.

(585) we can’t get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night.

(972) by the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.

(617) the tow truck driver and I bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos.

(704) side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box.

(304): I love you more than champagne and correct grammar.

(217): Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven’t spoken in 5 years, we don’t need to start now. Please be on your way.

(440): i can’t understand anything he’s saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.

(604): i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS.

(219): The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.

Sounds like…Anthony
(512): There are so many Jimmy John’s employees here
(1-512): Where are you?
(512): Jimmy John’s.

(317) Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.

(850) I’m so hungover that if we go to panera, I’ll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.

(253) I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.

(602) I wish they made sweatshirts for legs.
(1-602) You mean pants?

(518) steel reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It’s never OK.

(301) Fuck appropriateness.

(304): What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
(859): i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.

(701): Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it’s purring.

(403): oh no, don’t get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.

Sounds like…Sammi
(334): Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.

(920): Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better.

(860) I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season.

(814) I am not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.

(615) we learned a lot about each other. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat.

(603) Question: Would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to “beer me” his number be a poor decision?

Sounds like…Rachel
(248) Come get her ASAP. She’s “people bowling,” which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.

(720) You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to “ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!”

(253) Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night.

(214) Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?

(817) It’s like I’m snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.

(703) I wish that every time I slipped on a sheet of ice I had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move.

(339) Woke up this morning with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said “the boy who lived.” I love you guys.

(+61): we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn’t want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn’t be together.

(361): Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. WTF?

(253): at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?

(785): I’m not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag.

(708): he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.

Sounds like…Sami
(210): I’m the saddest girl in a tutu right now.

(317): HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.

(469): I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lovato cd. And that was the good part.

(651) Hahaha I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes… “TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS”

(918) What’s a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup then drank it. That’s how.

(417) There’s a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.

(330) hot pretzels for dinner, snacks and now, breakfast…oh to be a poor college student, everyday is like a carnival.

(623) Ya know, “class is cancelled because professor is stuck in mexico” is not something i expected in college. Let alone, “Professor is stuck in Mexico, again.”

(778) she’s sniffed three people’s necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from…
(1-778) she’s gonna get diseases.

(714): my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i’m so confused.

(205): Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.

Sounds like…Jennifer
(870): If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone’s soul, it would be you.
(1-870): You always know what to say to make me feel better.

(810) Just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.

(562) I was just told that I’m a premature cuddler…What does that even mean?
(714) Whatever it is you failed.

(805) I don’t know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like its 7UP.

(319) I brought red and green Boones Farm to the white elephant party. Classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.

(404) you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. I see where your priorities are.

(510) come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.

(330): Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem.

(440): Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and powerful.

(515): im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.

(713): We’re drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.

Sounds like…Liz
(401): Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.

(217) We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.

(864) I’m going to superglue stuarts hands into socker boppers.

(605) After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.

(678) well I just puked at a family gathering, so I can cross that off the bucket list.

(415): Feeling better?
(720): I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.

(410): You threw up with your ski mask on still.

(862): Hangover Status: I’ve been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It’s not looking good.

(203): I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
(1-203): You were.

(219) The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.

(512): If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they’re ok.

Merry Christmas, boys and girls

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My gift to you – an amazing version of the famous story “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas.” Seriously. Ryan Gosling’s in it, need I say more?

drunk-history-christmas-with-ryan-gosling-jim-carrey-and-eva-mendes?playlist=featured_videos

And now that you’re done with that, go watch the rest of the Drunk History videos. You won’t be sorry.

Oh yeah, and merry Christmas and all that.

Overachiever

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That’s what I was in November. ‘Cause now you’re like “it’s about time, holmes, where have you been?”

My sincerest apologies. To make up for it, I’ll share with you a couple of my new favorite videos.

These things made me cry, I laughed so hard. I really want to go to a store and do this and see what would happen… even better than the things they ask for is how they try to explain them…

We’ve all gotten a little bit taller since then…

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Hey turkeys, I hope you had the happiest of Thanksgiving. My family’s was pretty great, but more on that later.

At Grandma’s back in the day, we always got pictures taken of all the grandkids at every holiday. I, being the oldest, have always been the designated baby-holder, ’cause I’m responsible and whatnot.

A few weeks ago, my cousin, Anna, posted this gem to her Facebook:

It was from Christmas, I think, 17 years ago. Meaning I was 10. And Anna, who posted it, is that crying baby on my lap. Since then we’ve added a few more cousins, but for the sake of comparison and hilarity, we recreated it this year with the original cast.

Needless to say, we can no longer all 8 fit on Grandma’s couch. But the dynamic and the silliness and the adorableness is still basically the same.

Well, I was six. Once.

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This week in Sunday school it was kind of a mad house. Six kids. Five of them were boys. Two of them were age 3. All of them had their levels cranked to 11.

When I finally got them to sit down and listen to the story, it calmed down a bit. There was question asking and hand-raising and Jackson, age 6, asked his fellow miscreants to raise their hands if they were 6 years old as well.

Naturally, I raised my hand.

Jackson: Miss Laura, you’re not six!
Me: Yeah huh! I am.
Jackson: You’re not!
Me: Then how old am I?
Jackson: Sixteen!
Me: Oh, yeah. I forgot.
Will, also age 6, whom I babysat for last week and I’ve already played this game with: No you’re not, you’re 27!

Dammit. Cover’s been blown.

Sounds familiar XI

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Oh yeah. I did it. Part 11. On 11-11-11. At 11:11. It’s magical and whatnot.

Sounds like…Me
(512): You kept running up to random groups of people and saying “I’m a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!” and they all listened to you.

(250): Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.

(717): You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams.

(310): Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I’d say it was fine.

(610): Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room.

(317): Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?

(479): Drunker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me.

(586): and he’s drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship.

(515) Just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it’s hyped up to be.

(202): I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
(410): I knew I liked you

Sounds like…Liz
(847): Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I’m adorable. F-ING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.

(862) 5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you’re definitely DTF.

(608) I don’t even have to sign up for karaoke there anymore. The karaoke people just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang Stacy’s mom to some lady named Stacy whose mom died yesterday.

(773):I’m gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow

(248): I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment

(317):when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single

Sounds like…Rachel
(614): He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be “the swiffer” help.

(503) you were crying and trying to give advice to people… that was a new level of drunk for you.

(518) I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals. we figured with all the bacon you eat, you may taste like it. It’s a chance we are willing to take with your life…don’t forget that we love you.

(508): you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water

(970) I loved your drunken rendition of “I wanna dance with somebody” you left on my voicemail last night.

(340) $1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.

(484) All I remember was you yelling “Look at my little feet” at everyone on the way home from the bar.

(562):The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.

(972): What was that guy’s name that you dated that wore the leotard?

(845):No more Irish car bombs ever.

(785): Hold on there are flying pancakes I can’t handle this right now

Sounds like…Jennifer
(612): Also I’d like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.

(613) The family I’m sitting with looks like the Addams Family. Except for the daughter. She looks like Shrek.

(812) she’s in the bathroom, spitting in the trashcan, not throwing up. Just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
(1-812) thatta girl

(510) It’ll be like a meth lab. But with jello.

Sounds like…Sami
(610) I just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.

(330)he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone I threw away.

(703) There was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on…normally I would be OK with this but he was 40…

(763): My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.

(859) Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.

(618) Just because your phone has a case on it doesn’t mean it will survive a five-story drop out the window.

(518) You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them.

Sounds like…Anthony
(502) I think I sharted a yagerbomb.

(814) I swear if she hugs me I’m going to bleach my body.

(603) Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.

Sounds like…Caitlin
(585): I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus.

(502) All my problems are solved. I just got McDonald’s and scratch-off lottery tickets.