In the midst of all the fun at the Derby party on Saturday, there was a volleyball tournament. Seriously, I think we played 14 games. And since I’m all tryin’ to be a baller… I wasn’t behind the camera. That job was taken over by my lovely assistants, Maegan, Hopey and Anna Banana. They did an awesome job at capturing the action.
See?
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So proud. And I think I’ve found my assistants for when this photo thing becomes a Serious Photo Thing.
It’s my favorite day all year. My family and several of my friends get together the first Saturday in May for betting, eating, drinking, cigar smoking, cornhole playing, volleyballing, chilling and yelling at the television once every hour.
It’s the Kentucky Derby and I love every second of it. The weeks leading up to it are some of the most fun you can have in this town and given the choice between going to the track on the day or spending it with people I love, well…that’s an easy choice.
This year, I had every intention of photographing the whole day. Walking around with my camera, practicing my candid photography and stuff for upcoming weddings and such that I will be shooting.
But then I had a Lilly. Or four. And it was more fun to just sit and relax and talk to my friends and family and play a volleyball game or 8 or watch people race in humongous pairs of underwear or play wiffle ball baseball as the sun went down.
I did take a few photos, mainly of cigar-smoking, an annual tradition paired with Mint Juleps (for some brave souls) after the race. The first ones, though, are continuing our tradition of beautiful, America’s Next Top Model-caliber shots, as art directed by my sisters and cousins, and, for the first time, Anna’s boyfriend, Vince. He’s the one with the finger in his belly button for our “Abercrombie Shot.”
The next blog will have a slideshow full of amazing sports action photography, which I can take no credit at all for. I was playing. So I just provided the camera.
But for now, here are mine..
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I look forward to the first Saturday in May like it’s Christmas. And I’m already excited for next year’s party. 364 days and counting…
Guess what I haven’t done much of this month?
Yeah…if you came back after the limited amount of excitement provided after March’s blogapalooza, you must really love me. And I love you, too.
It wasn’t intentional, originally. Granted my brain had just about dried up when it came to new and exciting things to share with you, and even when I did think of something, I didn’t have hardly any time to write it.
You should see my calendar for May. The only days without stuff written on them until after Memorial Day are Wednesdays. And Wednesdays are only blank because I can’t make plans for those days. Wednesdays are our production nights at work and I don’t get home before the sun goes down — and lately, I’m nowhere near home before the hour is into the double digits.
This is not a post to complain, because I want to be doing every single thing that’s keeping me busy. However, I would also like to blog. But something had to go for a bit, and unfortunately it was this website right here.
It’s not permanent, and I didn’t mean to stay quiet for so long, but when you work the majority of your day on a computer, the last thing you want to do is come home and work on one, therefore for almost all of April my laptop has been regulated to wedding-related work and Netflix instant TV shows and movies only. Oh, and I finished a book or two in there somewhere.
Yeah, we’ve missed a bit, you and me. And for that I am sorry, especially if this is even such a thing that merits an apology.
But I have had people ask about why I wasn’t posting and encouraging me to get back on the horse and what a better time to do so then right around The Most Wonderful Time of The Year, the Kentucky Derby! (See what I did there?)
More substantial stuff will come later on – like photos from my family’s Derby party this weekend – where I get all stealthy and try to take amazing candid stuff in preparation for these weddings (yes, plural) I’ll be taking pictures at next month. Plus there’s the usual stuff you can look forward to – the texts that sound like my friends, insane amounts of Instagram pictures, the websites I wish I’d thought of and a ridiculous amount of songs because I spend entirely too much time in the iTunes Store.
But I want you to know, I’m not gonna be quiet for a whole month again, in case you’re worried. If you’re not, well, then, bully for you. You shouldn’t be.
For now you’ll have to settle with an update on a lot of things, portioned in nice little bite-size morsels for you so we’re all caught up and it’s like I never left!
Ready? Go.
Gettin’ crafty up in this piece
One of the things you’ll see later this month is how, while I was “away,” I was real crafty. Like, so much so you won’t believe it was me that did it on account of I usually suck at crafts.
This is the way we ball
Sand Volleyball. Monday nights. The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. Well maybe not but damn is it hard to run in sand. And one night it was so cold my feet turned purple.
In other news I can’t serve in the sand, but am infinitely more willing to throw myself towards the ball. On account of it doesn’t hurt. Especially if you have one of those later games and you get a couple beers in beforehand. Note: The beers have nothing to do with my serving abilities, or lack thereof.
The 28th Amendment
Full disclosure – I had to Google how many amendments there were in the Constitution. Don’t judge me. You probably didn’t know it either – there are 27 – unless you are Baby Einstein.
This particular amendment has nothing to do with a historical document, because, well, I never wrote my Five down on paper.
After careful consideration and months of not having him on my TV, I have decided to make a change. I’m removing Michael C. Hall from the list, though I’d still like to have him tell me bedtime stories ’cause his voice is sexy. He’ll be replaced by Zac Efron. Again, don’t judge me. He grew up. And he grew up well.
That’s all I’ll say about that except for how I haven’t seen his new movie yet but I really really want to and the preview by itself is enough to make me need a cold shower.
The best show you aren’t watching
Justified. It’s about Kentucky. Eastern Kentucky. Timothy Olyphant just shoots people. ‘Cause he can. And Daniel Faraday from LOST is in it. As the opposite of Daniel Faraday from LOST. I’ve watched all three seasons in the past month. HOOKED. Thank you, Eth.
Weddings and babies and houses, oh my!
We are currently less than two months from Ashley and Matt’s wedding, less than three months from Rebeck and Jered’s and less than four months from Rachel and Swarles’!
Wedding season is in full swing – May is full of showers and parties and that reminds me, I have a dress to get altered.
After this weekend I’ll have taken three couples’ Engagement/Save-the-Date pictures and I was recently asked to shoot another wedding. WHAT?
Add to that the addition of our little half-pint, Emma, to the CKR fold and you guys, we have a baby. Who let us have a baby? And there’s another one coming in October!
Our second half-pint belongs to Katie and Hunter, who recently just made MY life considerably better by moving to the Lou. Now we just gotta get Sammi to Nashville and our plans for a CKR compound will be closer to fruition.
That One Time I Almost Rode In A Hot Air Balloon
With Derby season comes Derby Festival, which includes a ton of cool events that you get to participate in if you so choose, moreso if your job is in the media. Yours truly was ALMOST so lucky.
Scheduled to go up in a hot air balloon for the Great Balloon Race that was cancelled the morning of. And it was not rescheduled. Even though it is, EVERY. OTHER. YEAR.
We’re not talking about it anymore, but I have to share this gem:
When I was talking to my mom about getting to ride in the race, she said, “Do you get to go on it for the whole time?” to which I replied, “Nope, I’ll probably bail out in the middle of it. I think they’ll probably have a parachute for me.”
Running
What is, things I stopped doing completely? Yeah, about that. I’m getting my ass into gear this month because I’m signing up for a couple of runs later this year. And if I sign up and pay the money, then I have to do it. And that is some good motivation, because I don’t like to waste money (pay no attention to my ever-expanding DVD collection…).
So far, my friend Sammi has convinced me to do the Tap ‘N Run in Nashville (I am nowhere near ready and probably won’t be, for the one in Louisville) and the Color Run, which are a 4 and 5K, respectively. And the Tap ‘N Run includes beer. So there’s that.
Making a list and checkin’ it twice
A few weeks ago my good friend Matt (who, by the way is a beast of a runner and is gonna get famous for his blog, Lager Jogger, so you should check it out and say you were there at the beginning), Tweeted to me “I have so many things to do I need to make a list of all the lists I need to make.”
Never has something been more true. This is my life right now, which is fine, but WHOA a pause button like Zack Morris had on Saved By The Bell when the world paused but he didn’t have to would be real nice some days.
I have lists of lists to make, for real, and at some point, I’m gonna get to them all.
Eventually.
I’ll put it on my list.
And I’m still goin’.
That’s three years of writing about happy stuff, sad stuff, personal stuff, funny stuff, downright ridiculous stuff, photography stuff…..all on this lil’ website which people continue to visit for some reason.
And whatever that reason is, I’m happy about it. I’m glad that you’re here. I want to hear more from you and do more stuff on here that you’ll find interesting so you’ll keep coming back.
I write this a lot for me, but I want it to be for others too. I want to share my stories, happy or sad, because it’s therapeutic. And it’s fun.
I have plans for this next year of blogging. And if there’s anything you want to see or see more of or want me to quit writing about altogether, lemme hear it.
And thanks for sticking with me!
Happy birthday, blog!
Also, this. Just because I can. And if you don’t love Stevie Wonder, you don’t love America.
I’ve gotten the OK from the brides-to-be, so now I can share.
I’ve taken two sets of “Save-The-Date” photos for two of the three sets of my favorite couples getting married this summer. And I’m pretty proud of them.
Neither one went as planned – at Rachel and Chuckie’s it was ridiculously windy and the sun was completely blinding when you stood in front of the building.
And for Rebecca and Jered’s, the plan was to go to downtown Nashville, until randomly and for no reason it snowed the day we were supposed to go. So we went to Opryland Hotel, which is beautiful but has poorly-placed bathrooms (fun fact: I had to pee so bad I think I ran through that entire hotel trying to find a place).
But it’s not about me, it’s about them. And how awesome they are for trusting an unprofessional photographer with a nice camera to take such important photos for them.
So here’s some a lot of them, only a few of which we used. But I included a bunch that didn’t make the final cut. You’re welcome.
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As if I would kick this important week off with anything else…
Sounds like…Me
(850): Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
(610): I think she’s perpetually drunk
(484): It’s all she knows.
(484): Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
(732): No, I did. It’s a long story.
(484): they paper machayed me.
(215): i told you … never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
(520): Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don’t remember this.
(803): happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing.
(571): How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
(832): He’s just giving off this “someone be a bitch to me” vibe.
(610): My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and “I don’t give a shit”
(1-610): Aren’t they always?
(817): I should know better than to trust a man I’ve seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
(712): We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me.
(310) I do. There’s a bald-headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I’ve only had 2 beers.
(336) why am i a bad person? you were the one trying to get epode to eat tape.
(678) stop it. you sound like you’re giving birth.
(703) Last night was so much fun. I kept trying to lick everyone.
(401) I just puked in a plastic bag at a red light, go me.
(705) I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projectile vomit. make it happen.
Sounds like…Rachel
(512): I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
(1-512): I don’t know if I should be concerned or impressed.
(215): It’s like the bermuda triangle of cat puke.
(304): you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras.
(850): I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
(760): I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
(785): Um…any recollection of peeing in the pantry.
(541): I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue.
(801): Ya he’s alive. Apparently he’s been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
(585): Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
(314): I’m in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
(309): Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
(925): Ahahhahaha I’m not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday.
(401): remind to leave next time the words “tequila” and “challenge” are shouted.
(316): I just threw up over a bridge. I didn’t even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
(219) just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest because he didn’t like the other guy’s shirt.
(614) woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 a.m. on a tuesday morning = best commute ever
(914) I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote.
Sounds like…Sami
(573): Mcdonalds hasn’t even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
(574): It’s 10AM, she’s drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you’ve got to be effing kidding me.
(306): We’re bowling with a frozen turkey in the hallway…ur missing out.
(919): I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
(949): ‘Well you know, stuff happens’ isn’t really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear.
(517) wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
(405) grape juice and vodka is not wine
(860) So two questions…why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
(760) We walked in and the first thing we heard was “OH SHIT! White chicks!” Naturally I made some new male friends.
(505) The last thing I remember was convincing you to hide in the fridge and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Sounds like…Jennifer
(763): It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language.
(314): I just tried to text you by typing “whoa” into my contacts.
(814): What should we drink tonight, I’m in the mood to be judged.
(406): I defriended her. I just can’t support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
(507): I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
(757): I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil.
(910): I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up.
(315): Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
(707): At one point last night I over heard you say ” I’m gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat” I LOVE YOU.
(914): I’m in charge of his party but you’re a paramedic, we’re both needed.
(208) please don’t make me drink to the titanic soundtrack.
(260): DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER.
Sounds like…Liz
(770): Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
(303): So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
(312): And maybe a life coach?
(201): He’s cheating on her.
(973): Are you sure it wasn’t her?
(201): I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn’t change her face in the past two months; its her.
(403): I’m going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
(303): Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw.
(678): You played “let it burn” by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah…That drunk.
(814): I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there’s no need to say “Happy Valentine’s Day.”
(516): Maybe tomorrow I’ll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here’s hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you.
(843): God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
(724): Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS.
(403): And then you proceeded to sneak behind the bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
(412): I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness.
(870): Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
(1-870): I’m going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That’s when all the cat pictures come.
(781): And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
(518) I just sneezed alcohol into a candle and started a fire
(416) bitches at mcdonalds actin like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before.
(443) my #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden.
(415) just learned how to deliver a baby, the things I saw tonight cannot be unseen.
Sounds like…Caitlin
(405): It’s ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren’t saving them for a special occasion.
(570): I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
(484): tell her thanks so much.
(952): Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
(608): It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes.
(231): Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself.
(908): I’ve decided I’m gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
(843): I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
(714): She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
(802): I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
(303) it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science. and free alcohol.
(319) nothing says happy birthday jesus like a shot with your loved ones
Sounds like…Anthony
(201): We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
(864): He looks like he’d be great Lego character.
(704): So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning…
(713): Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
(203): I pulled some girls weave trying to pull the stop cord on the bus.
(724): I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
(205): I kind of feel like BP. I’m dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
(248): Please be advised that because of last year’s “incident” we will no be starting St. Pat’s day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
(541): You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing… then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it… i’d say it was a successful birthday.
(401): I tried to sit on a barstool last night…it was an open trashcan.
(360) not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, I also got kicked out of denny’s. I didn’t even know that was possible.
(415) I was so drunk I thought Kathy Griffin was funny.
My friends and family members are all ridiculously talented at different things. Crafts, cooking/baking, photography, speaking foreign languages, life…
There are several of them who are awesome at writing. And luckily for me you all of us, they’ve started blogs!
And even though you see ‘em down the side of this page every time you visit, you may not know what they’re about. But I’m going to need you to give them a better look. ‘Cause then you’ll be a fan like me.
You’re welcome.
Somewhere Only We Know - My sister writes this one, in fact, she just started it this week! She’s planning a wedding and moving to Boston with my future brother-in-law this summer so he can be a smart kid at MIT and whatnot. She’s going to write about all that and more, and it will be good. And funny. Because she’s funny. And she’s my sister, so the talent for blogging has to have rubbed off some.
Caitlin pequeña, Mundo grandísimo - My lil’ cousin Caitlin decided to start a blog and she writes about (some of) her adventures in college. She’s spending two months in South Africa this summer, and I can’t wait to read all about it!
Lager Jogger – My good friend Matt writes this blog about the two things the title of it suggests – beer and running. He brews his own beer with a kit in his house and he’s training for a triathlon at the moment. He and his wife (one of my besetst friend and the most frequent commenter on this blog) are my inspiration when it comes to running and also sometimes he shares his home-brews.
Oh Me – One of my bffs, Ashley, is responsible for this blog. She’s a kindergarten teacher and a great lady. And she’s not afraid to write about poop. Reason #1923801820 why I love her.
Life Unscripted - Another friend named Ashley keeps this blog up. She does some really cool link-ups and writes about her life, obviously, as the title suggests, including her cute lil’ nephew and adorable puppy, Max!
Waiting On The Butterflies – Sarah is hilarious. Also a kindergarten teacher and friend of mine, she has no shortage of funny stories.
These people are all my friends/family. Read their blogs. Love them. Bookmark them. You won’t be sorry.
My grandpa had three rules for men to follow when it came to getting married.
1. You had to be 25.
2. You had to have met, and liked, her mother.
3. You had to have seen her in a bathing suit.
Served him well, the man would have been married 70 years this year.
It’s advice I am 99-percent sure three guys I know have taken, because they’ll be marrying three of my favorite ladies on the planet later this year.
Yep, you guys, this summer is WEDDING SEASON!
It comes around once every few years (the last one was the summer/fall of 2010, and before that, one spanned the entire year of 2007). And I love every minute of it.
I’m so happy for all three of my girls and am honored to play a part in each of their days and the planning process. I’ve helped shop for 2 wedding dresses, done 2 save-the-date shoots and that’s just the beginning.
In June, we have Ashley and Matt’s wedding. I’m like 78 percent responsible for them meeting, so I take their relationship as a personal success. They are both amazing people that I couldn’t imagine my life without.
I was there when Ashley found her wedding dress. I will be there when everyone else who loves her gets to see her wearing it. And I’ll be that girl running around on the beach that day (yup, beach wedding, another reason I love her) trying not to get sand in my camera while trying to capture as much of the day for her as I can.
She wants me to take pictures. She trusts me. That’s scary, y’all. Engagement shoots you can schedule to do again. But hey, at least it’s a digital camera, so I’ll know how they turn out immediately. And I cannot wait to be there for her on her special day.
Rebecca’s up next, marrying Jered in July at a plantation in Tennessee. You see, I have a handful of people that I truly consider to be my soulmates, and Rebeck is right up there at the top. I love our friendship and am so happy for her and Jered.
I’ll be standing up there with her on her day, in my Kentucky blue bridesmaid’s dress (and a hidden UofL Cardinal temporary tat on my body so nobody gets confused as to where my allegiance lies), probably crying just like I will at Ashley’s because I am so glad my friends have found these guys to share their lives with.
And finally, in August, comes the party of the century. Rachel and Charles are getting married. And my family can throw down.
Seriously, we do Derby and Christmas up right and this, well, this will be a whole other story. People are lining up their transportation options (Cabs, City Scoot) back from the reception now. And it’s March.
I love Chuckie like a brother and have since they started dating, right after I left for college. So this is really just a formality. And making it all official and whatnot. And an excuse to have a huge party.
I was there when Rachel found her dress and, friends, she’s going to look so beautiful that day. It’s amazing. I’m loving being a part of the planning and prep process for this, and she and Chuckie were my guinea pigs for engagement photo shoots and save-the-date designs (which I’ll post a peek of once they’ve all been sent out, if I get the OK).
I’m a bridesmaid at their wedding as well, and we made sure those dresses had pockets because I’ll cry. I’m sure. Or, ya know, I’ll keep a flask in there. Some days I can’t believe she’s getting married and other times it feels like they’ve been married all along, there’s just this big-ass party the end of August that our entire family and tons of our friends will be there for.
So yeah, Wedding Season officially starts in June, but I’m already in the mode. Engagement photos, save-the-dates, wedding showers, dresses, hunting down (easy but also amazing) ideas on Pinterest for something crafty I can do for them as a wedding present, because I don’t do the registry for these ladies.
You’ll see pictures, hopefully, of all things wedding I can show you, before and after, but for now you’ll just have to be content with the building of the excitement, like I am.
‘Cause I. Can. Not. Wait!
A few years ago I went to see Dave Matthews Band with my friend, Amber, at Riverbend. Awesome venue, weird rules. Like, no chairs allowed, even though a majority of the venue is grass. Amber was not a fan of the chair rule. Was it because they were worried about people hitting each other with them in a fight? Standing on them? Who knows.
Amber: “I don’t know why they don’t let you bring chairs but they let you bring blankets. You could strangle somebody with a blanket.”
It’s not always fun and games over here at on-account-of.com, or, in my offline existence either. But you know that, I’ve talked about it plenty before and for the most part, I am an open book, take it or leave it.
That said, I want to talk about something important, something serious. And it’s about a TV show. Glee, to be exact.
Now bear with me.
Before you roll your eyes, know that for all its corniness and campiness and sometimes ridiculous storylines, it also tends to confront real-life issues in a pretty serious way.
Part of Tuesday night’s episode focused on a character who in the past three seasons of the show has struggled with his sexuality and with who he is, going from a bully to bullied himself.
And in the episode, when he could think of no other way to deal, no other way to confront what was going on in his life and around him, he attempted suicide.
This hit me hard for several reasons, not all of which I’ll share.
I work with teenagers at my church. They’re middle-schoolers and high-schoolers and they’re at a time in their lives when something you or I might see as a silly worry is the worst possible thing that could happen to them.
There have been so many stories in the news recently about teens committing suicide. Because they’re being bullied. Because they’re being mistreated by other students for being who they are and trying to be proud of it.
It scares the shit out of me to think that any of those teenagers I care about so much could one day feel like this.
And it’s even scarier that it’s something that doesn’t go away, even as you get older.
There are people in my life that have been touched by suicide in some way.
There are people who’ve thought about it and then thought again. Or reached out and somehow asked for help.
Let me make one thing clear right now though – I have never been and am not suicidal. Period.
But I do know what it’s like to feel as if nothing – not work, not school, not the situation I’m in with the guy I care about – will get better. I know what it feels like to think (even if you’re completely wrong) that no one cares. I know what it’s like to hate yourself. And it’s a lonely place.
Psychological problems are just as real and just as damaging as any physical, medical problem you can get. Often it’s worse, because you can’t just put a cast or an Ace bandage on your brain or your heart for eight or nine weeks and get all better.
I saw this episode after a particularly bad day in my personal life, but the difference there is, I knew the next day would be better. It had to be.
Some people can’t think like that. Some people don’t believe it will get better. They don’t believe it will get easier. And that breaks my heart.
One of the things in life that scares me the most is the thought that someone I care about would feel this way and not talk to me, not talk to anyone. That they would not somehow, even if they’re not saying the exact words, ask for help.
I felt so many things last night watching it all play out on the show, knowing that they were just putting a face on something that’s happening all over the place. And often to people who aren’t as lucky as the character on the show. Not everyone gets a second chance.
I make sure people in my life know that I care. I tell my family and friends I love them. Because I do love them and because I will be there to catch them when they fall and help them see that things will be OK. I no longer apologize to myself or anyone else for being who I am – that girl that wears her heart on her sleeve in person and on her blog and who also posts lots of Glee songs and videos with Muppets in them.
Bullying is a terrible thing, whether it’s someone else doing it or your own mean thoughts about yourself. I could rattle off a bunch of cliches about how there will be a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and whatnot, but I won’t. I’ll simply say that you will go through things that will suck. They will suck beyond belief. But there will be good times too. And there is – or there SHOULD BE – someone(s) in your life who will make sure of it.
And if you don’t have anyone else? Well, you know right where to find me.
