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I take this job very seriously

14 Feb

My little sister is getting married in August – more on that another time – and as her bridesmaids, me and the baby sister and the bffs all got assignments for the day of the event in the cards asking us to be a part of their day.

Mine, obvs, is to be in charge of the playlist when we’re getting ready.

And you read this blog, you know me. It’s gonna have a LOT of Glee on it. True story.

Part of my challenge, however, is getting everyone to be Glee fans before the day. I think almost all of us are, but for the hold-outs, I am making it my mission to make them a fan by then.

My evidence to support my case? This video:

Yes, it’s corny, but I would totally say yes if I got proposed to like that. (It is a proposal, for those of you who don’t watch, the video just cuts off before he asks her). And also, if you liked nothing else, how hilarious is it when Artie rolls his wheelchair into the pool at the beginning?

Jennifer, you will like this show before August 24th.

 
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Posted by on February 14, 2012 in Awesomeness, Playlist

 

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Sounds familiar XIV

13 Feb

There are at least three on here that I believe the person I said it sounds like has actually sent. Seriously.

Sounds like… Me
(603): He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.

(605): You were throwing up and said, “Wipe my face, I must look presentable at all times.”.

(705): You hid from a cop under some guy’s canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work.

(830): No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted “JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT” and everyone started doing them with her.

(570): Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like “pencil sharpener.” Damn rosetta stone.

(716): i looked at my phone & had a message that said “tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath.” I give you props.

(715): How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I’m anxious about it.

(406): Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift.

(717): Leave the bottle at home cause either way I’m not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
(1-717): Gold star for you, but I’m on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.

(304): The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I’d take care of my friends puke.

(304) I love you more than champagne and correct grammar

(507) Dear everyone. As mark stated I did the ‘piss n run’ last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. “If I could turn back time” – cher

(916) I told you I would drunk text you sometime… it’s that time.

(724) I’m drunk and confused. there might be a four-year-old here.

(512) he said something along the lines of “fish can smell fear.”

Sounds like… Rachel
(478): He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.

(678): Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out “I don’t have AIDS”.

(406): K, so let’s go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea.

(519): He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.

(283): He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score though.

(805): Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases… and like 30 people drank it all?
(313): Everything hurts.

(703): No. I’m wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me.

(269) I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. stay tuned.

(401) I just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love october.

(267) your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats.

(773) why didn’t you say something constructive, like, “Stop chugging that vodka”?

Sounds like… Sami
(+44): you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?

(404): my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.

(513): Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled “2010″ on it from you in the mail?

(508) help help how do I get him away from me should I talk in a robot voice or something

(859) they seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. i love college.

(+44) Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future.

Sounds like… Anthony
(570): Chicken wings don’t come back up an through your nose as easily as you’d think.

(781): I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.

(860): I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs.

(936): You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper’s clevage and said “Keep this warm for me.

(734) if my nicknames are based on what i throw up, you can call me Jimmy John’s.

(804) I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. fuck a serving size

(610) you’re the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I’m OK.

Sounds like… Jennifer
(330): Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.

(406): You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
(1-406): That literally makes no sense
(406): Exactly.

(306): Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.

(724): Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy’s in the shitter.

(506): Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident.

(501): You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I’m wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a “Puke Me Pretty” Barbie.

(304) call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.

Sounds like… Liz
(808): Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.

(412): I made a Wendy’s employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night.

(216): I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair.

(780): let’s see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING.

(503): Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol.

(910): Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst… Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it’s obsession with chewing on cardboard…. Time for a nap.

(919): I have been drinking since 2. And I’m now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna’s helping.

(614): Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar.

(217) win + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.

(914) There’s a girl in my class named “La-a” pronounced “Luh Dash uh” I hate everyone.

(515) you ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune and 1 deal or no deal ….by yourself with sound effects and music included.

(831) tequila shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better.

Sounds like…Sammi
(609) we tried to pick out bridesmaids dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?

 
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Posted by on February 13, 2012 in Lists

 

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If I ever add a tagline to this blog…

25 Jan

I cannot take credit for naming this blog. That would be The Roommate, who said something like, “You should call it ‘On Account Of’ or something like that since you say that a lot.” And the rest is history.

I also cannot take credit for this next gem, which is a beautiful, wonderful compliment (of which are few and far between when it comes to The Roommate and I, but we love each other, I promise. He’s my best friend.) and as I mentioned earlier, a possible future tagline for this here blog.

Anthony: Your writing reminds me of a touching Oprah story.

It’s a toss-up between that or “Like Oprah, only better.”

 
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Posted by on January 25, 2012 in Quotable

 

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Sounds familiar XIII

22 Jan

You know how they say 13 is an unlucky number? Well, in this case it’s not. It’s lucky. For you!

Sounds like…Me
(717): Gotcha. Well, I’m puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says “love the moment” around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.

(515): you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you were gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny.

(727): I’ve been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn’t think I was that drunk but I guess I am.

(570): That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.

(570): They’re doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.

(478): You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover.

(403): You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn’t lose you if you went pee in the dark.

(870): Don’t make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I’ve been that girl.

(925): I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
(1-925): We just have a real special relationship.

(910): You went to jail last night?!
(1-910): Just a little bit.

(970): I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.

(707): I would’ve been fine if I didn’t do the three shots
(1-707): You did like 8.

(310): Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?

(316):So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
(1-316):That sounds dangerous
(316): Don’t worry……were wearing oven mits.

Sounds like…Anthony
(815): I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.

(616): Don’t be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.

(212): You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.

(360): you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.

(210):Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.

Sounds like…Rachel
(248): Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.

(207): I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup.

(770): the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.

(913): The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
(816): Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from.

(859): She’s the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon.

(314): I think mom knows I’m drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.

(303): I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.

(902): I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there’s no hope for us.

(352):there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.

Sounds like…Sami
(919): The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers.

(207): She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight.

(+27): Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said “Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!”.

(214): How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?

(314): Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!

(412): on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.

Sounds like…Liz
(217): Oh, and she’s that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns.

(508): she vomitted in her champagne, said “fuck it, it’s new years”, and continued drinking.

(281): you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka.

(203): WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS.

(443): I’m in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn’t look so pretty “in these parts”.

(404): I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.

(714): im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.

(727): Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?

(650): lol i’m looking through my photos and there’s this giant section of just dudes wearing murses.

(917): Her stripper name is Geico. I’m not drunk or creative enough to make this up.

(727): Was I really yelling “girls night” at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?

(408): Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
(831): You did a keg stand on the toilet?!

Sounds like…Jennifer
(206): I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.

(720): You’re the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.

(608): not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave.

(503): You’re in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.

(637): I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night.

(925): Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.

(803): Agreed. That’s like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet.

(918): It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it’s a cash bar?

(920): Just found a note from Saturday that says “rainy soft hair”…. Any ideas?

(319):Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn’t know.

 
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Posted by on January 22, 2012 in Lists

 

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Resolution-izing

05 Jan

I’m a couple days late to the party, I know, but I’ve been thinking. I needed time to solidify my plans for the new year and come up with things I want to do more or less of this year or start or stop doing altogether.

In no particular order, these are the things I want to do — or don’t want to do — this year. Since I am putting it on the Internet for the world (or the few people that read this) to see, I’m counting on you guys and girls to hold me to it.

1. Get healthy. I believe this was one from last year and probably a few years previous, but this year I’m serious about it. Wanna know how I know? I worked out outside on Monday. While it was 30 and snowing. If you know me, you know that’s a big deal.

Seriously though, I resolve to eat better and smarter and well, less. Newsflash: You don’t HAVE to clean your plate if you physically can’t without feeling like shit after.

1a. Get healthy. Besides the eating better and working out stuff, there’s some other health matters that need attending to. Nothing life-threatening, just some things that need to be checked out and hopefully fixed. As we saw last year with the surprise appendicitis and, well, a week and a half ago, nothing is out of the question. I hate going to the doctor, but I have good insurance and would rather pay a co-pay than for anesthesia from a surgery. That’s just ricockulous.

2. Spend wisely. 2012 will be the year I attend — and in a couple cases take part in — some weddings. It will also be the year I (attempt to) become a homeowner (or condo owner cause that’s cheaper and easier). Plus one of my best friends is having a baby and I’m ’bout to buy that kid all kinds of adorable stuff.

Add to that a resolution to get outta town more often to see friends and family (you’ll see that later on in this list) and I gotta be careful where I spend my money because I’m gonna need to be spending it. Kind of a lot.

Savings will be important, but I’m not going to become a hermit, necessarily. I’m just going to think it through a little more before I decide to shell out some dough.

3. Spend my time wisely, too. It kind of goes along with the previous resolution, in that I don’t have to always spend money to get out of the house and enjoy myself. But besides that, I want to do more that involves helping others.

I loved being a team captain for our family and friends’ Alzheimer’s Walk team and can’t wait to do it again this year. But there are other things I’d like to do as well. I want to find ways to volunteer my time and give back to others because if there’s one thing I realized in 2011, it’s that I should be (and am) beyond grateful for what I have in this life because others aren’t as lucky.

4. Road trip it up. I have friends and family all over the country. Well, kinda. They’re mostly east-coasters but there are a few others scattered between here and California. OH and there are those two guys I know living in South Korea and that family I have in England.

Now I may not be able to do another big trip like I did in 2011, but BG is a two-hour drive. Nashville is three. Jackson and Chicago are five and the company I will find when I get to those destinations is well worth the extra time spent in the car.

I also have aunts and cousins in Tennessee, N.C., Jersey, Massachusetts and Pennsylvania I’ve been meaning to visit.

It may seem to contradict my whole not spending much money thing, but in 2011, I plan to make a more concerted effort to visit my family and friends who don’t have the same area code.

5. Only play games if I’m with the Game Night Bitchezz. Now really, I’m not talking about board games. But speaking of which, hey game night friends, lets try to do this getting together thing more often than we did last year. Or maybe I’m just feeling spoiled because I’ve seen you all like, every single day since UK went on Christmas break.

Nah, the games I’m talking about in this case are of the mind variety. I’m 27. Some of the gentlemen (and I use that term very loosely in some cases) I’ve dealt with in recent years are older than that. Time to start acting like it.

If you like me, you like me. If you don’t, fine. None of this middle of the road, I’m not sure stuff. If I care about you, I’ll make the effort. If I see that you’re not, I’ll adjust accordingly. Done wasting my time on those who aren’t worth it.

6. Be crafty. Remember how I told you about this plan for my room? Haven’t done it yet. It’s easy and cheap and my wall will look so much prettier, so why the hold up? I have no idea.

Plus, have you seen Pinterest? Holy crap it’s addicting. And there is an endless supply of crafty things on there even I — She Who Sucketh At Crafts — can do. I mean, the vodka-soaked gummy bears I saw on there worked, who’s to say other things won’t?

7. Gimme a break. I need to take it easier on myself. I believe I said last year-ish that I wanted to be happier. I think I was, for the most part, in 2011. But there was still that pesky anxiety crap to deal with. The majority of that anxiety came from unnecessary worry.

Now, that’s not to say that there isn’t something good about keeping yourself in check. But I need to maybe do it less. The sooner I realize I’m never gonna be perfect, the better. I will do my best, while remembering that stuff will go wrong, and more often than not, it will be out of my control.

I will stop being so hard on myself, so mean to myself, so amped up on the thought that one little thing will have a domino effect on everything else. In related news, I may find a new therapist, since I haven’t been able to get ahold of mine in about a year (something seems wrong with that…).

8. Make this blog better. We’re coming up on the third birthday of this here website and there’s so much more I could be doing. So make note that I am declaring that I will post more, shoot more pictures and actively try to make this thing look better in 2012.

And there you have it. Eight resolutions for 2012. I think I can do it. After all, it’s on the Internet now, so I kind of have to, don’t I?

Happy New Year, boys and girls.

 
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Posted by on January 5, 2012 in Being a grown-up, Lists, Opinionated

 

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Solution to that pesky student loan debt

02 Jan

During a conversation updating us on the recent antics of an ex-boyfriend, one of my bffs came up with the best plan to deal with him. Killing two birds with one stone, if you will.

Sammi: “If you get paid to be on Jerry Springer and I could pay my student loans off, I’d go on there.”

 
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Posted by on January 2, 2012 in Quotable

 

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Sounds familiar XII

27 Dec

I don’t think any further explanation is needed, so here you go, the final one of these for 2011. Any ideas on how to change it up or add to it for 2012, send ‘em along. Also send along ones you find on your own — speaking of, thank you, Sami, for contributing a few to this one.

Enjoy.

Sounds like…Me
(604): That was an excessively violent trivia night.

(847) I’ll pull you in a wagon. You’ll have a sash and a crown on and we’ll sing “All the Single Ladies”

(616) I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.

(585) we can’t get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night.

(972) by the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.

(617) the tow truck driver and I bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos.

(704) side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box.

(304): I love you more than champagne and correct grammar.

(217): Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven’t spoken in 5 years, we don’t need to start now. Please be on your way.

(440): i can’t understand anything he’s saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.

(604): i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS.

(219): The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.

Sounds like…Anthony
(512): There are so many Jimmy John’s employees here
(1-512): Where are you?
(512): Jimmy John’s.

(317) Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.

(850) I’m so hungover that if we go to panera, I’ll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.

(253) I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.

(602) I wish they made sweatshirts for legs.
(1-602) You mean pants?

(518) steel reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It’s never OK.

(301) Fuck appropriateness.

(304): What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
(859): i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.

(701): Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it’s purring.

(403): oh no, don’t get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.

Sounds like…Sammi
(334): Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.

(920): Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better.

(860) I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season.

(814) I am not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.

(615) we learned a lot about each other. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat.

(603) Question: Would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to “beer me” his number be a poor decision?

Sounds like…Rachel
(248) Come get her ASAP. She’s “people bowling,” which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.

(720) You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to “ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!”

(253) Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night.

(214) Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?

(817) It’s like I’m snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.

(703) I wish that every time I slipped on a sheet of ice I had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move.

(339) Woke up this morning with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said “the boy who lived.” I love you guys.

(+61): we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn’t want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn’t be together.

(361): Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. WTF?

(253): at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?

(785): I’m not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag.

(708): he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.

Sounds like…Sami
(210): I’m the saddest girl in a tutu right now.

(317): HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.

(469): I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lovato cd. And that was the good part.

(651) Hahaha I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes… “TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS”

(918) What’s a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup then drank it. That’s how.

(417) There’s a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.

(330) hot pretzels for dinner, snacks and now, breakfast…oh to be a poor college student, everyday is like a carnival.

(623) Ya know, “class is cancelled because professor is stuck in mexico” is not something i expected in college. Let alone, “Professor is stuck in Mexico, again.”

(778) she’s sniffed three people’s necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from…
(1-778) she’s gonna get diseases.

(714): my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i’m so confused.

(205): Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.

Sounds like…Jennifer
(870): If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone’s soul, it would be you.
(1-870): You always know what to say to make me feel better.

(810) Just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.

(562) I was just told that I’m a premature cuddler…What does that even mean?
(714) Whatever it is you failed.

(805) I don’t know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like its 7UP.

(319) I brought red and green Boones Farm to the white elephant party. Classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.

(404) you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. I see where your priorities are.

(510) come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.

(330): Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem.

(440): Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and powerful.

(515): im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.

(713): We’re drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.

Sounds like…Liz
(401): Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.

(217) We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.

(864) I’m going to superglue stuarts hands into socker boppers.

(605) After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.

(678) well I just puked at a family gathering, so I can cross that off the bucket list.

(415): Feeling better?
(720): I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.

(410): You threw up with your ski mask on still.

(862): Hangover Status: I’ve been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It’s not looking good.

(203): I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
(1-203): You were.

(219) The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.

(512): If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they’re ok.

 
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Posted by on December 27, 2011 in Lists

 

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T minus 4 days

15 Nov

Y’all, it’s almost here. Part 2. Bourbon Boys reunite. I’ll be bringing you (as much of the) play-by-play as I can over on the Twitter thing and all the photos and as much detail as I can remember a few days (or a week, I make no promises) after the event.

For now though, to get you in the mindset, I present to you our playlist for the day. Listen to these songs and then you’ll KIND OF have an idea of what I’m ’bout to deal with. Cheers to the designated driver!

Before you watch this next one, can I just note that Jamie Foxx tried to make this a story. One in which Ron Howard, of all people, will be out drinkin’ at the club. Yep, he’s in there. Just wait for it.

Yeah, it’s the Glee version. And so’s the next one. So what? I’m the driver. I should get something.

In honor of my Halloween costume:

My favorite song when I was nine (no joke):

And for when it’s all over:

Four days, people. Get ready to live.

 
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Posted by on November 15, 2011 in Playlist

 

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Sounds familiar XI

11 Nov

Oh yeah. I did it. Part 11. On 11-11-11. At 11:11. It’s magical and whatnot.

Sounds like…Me
(512): You kept running up to random groups of people and saying “I’m a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!” and they all listened to you.

(250): Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.

(717): You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams.

(310): Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I’d say it was fine.

(610): Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room.

(317): Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?

(479): Drunker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me.

(586): and he’s drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship.

(515) Just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it’s hyped up to be.

(202): I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
(410): I knew I liked you

Sounds like…Liz
(847): Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I’m adorable. F-ING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.

(862) 5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you’re definitely DTF.

(608) I don’t even have to sign up for karaoke there anymore. The karaoke people just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang Stacy’s mom to some lady named Stacy whose mom died yesterday.

(773):I’m gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow

(248): I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment

(317):when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single

Sounds like…Rachel
(614): He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be “the swiffer” help.

(503) you were crying and trying to give advice to people… that was a new level of drunk for you.

(518) I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals. we figured with all the bacon you eat, you may taste like it. It’s a chance we are willing to take with your life…don’t forget that we love you.

(508): you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water

(970) I loved your drunken rendition of “I wanna dance with somebody” you left on my voicemail last night.

(340) $1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.

(484) All I remember was you yelling “Look at my little feet” at everyone on the way home from the bar.

(562):The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.

(972): What was that guy’s name that you dated that wore the leotard?

(845):No more Irish car bombs ever.

(785): Hold on there are flying pancakes I can’t handle this right now

Sounds like…Jennifer
(612): Also I’d like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.

(613) The family I’m sitting with looks like the Addams Family. Except for the daughter. She looks like Shrek.

(812) she’s in the bathroom, spitting in the trashcan, not throwing up. Just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
(1-812) thatta girl

(510) It’ll be like a meth lab. But with jello.

Sounds like…Sami
(610) I just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.

(330)he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone I threw away.

(703) There was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on…normally I would be OK with this but he was 40…

(763): My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.

(859) Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.

(618) Just because your phone has a case on it doesn’t mean it will survive a five-story drop out the window.

(518) You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them.

Sounds like…Anthony
(502) I think I sharted a yagerbomb.

(814) I swear if she hugs me I’m going to bleach my body.

(603) Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.

Sounds like…Caitlin
(585): I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus.

(502) All my problems are solved. I just got McDonald’s and scratch-off lottery tickets.

 
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Posted by on November 11, 2011 in Lists

 

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10. Count ‘em.

31 Oct

First of all, I can’t believe we went this long into this month before I remembered I owed y’all one of these. Note to self: do not make habits of neglecting regular features. And this is the 10th one, so I should have done something awesome like post it for 10/10 at 10:10 or something equally as cheezy. Unrelated, I totally know what I’m doing about Part 11.

So, without further ado, here’s your monthly fix. Also, forgive me if you’ve seen any of these before. New settings on the phone and previous saved TFLN favorites were deleted. GASP!

Sounds like…Me
(540) We managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. Don’t hate.

(606) I don’t know what it is about vodka that makes me ruin relationships.
(720) turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card “must have been stolen.”

(404) I’m at Taco Bell and they have a hiring sign asking “Do you like to melt things?” Clearly they only want the ambitious.

(269) I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by Xanax.

(803) For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer….

(703) I can’t believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.

(256) You were saying “I am the vodka queen!” and then in a different voice replying to yourself “All hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!

(617): What time did you start drinking?
(978): Maybe.
(617): Maybe isn’t a time…

(856): i’m just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.

(814): I’m not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i’ll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt.

(724) also, I may or may not be wearing a cape right now. Hint: I am.

(541) I’m not leaving bed today. And I guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not be named. I’m a piece of work.

(313) so brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don’t live here. I drank it.

(708) either she doesn’t know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll or I just saw a 60-year-old on a walk of shame.

(406) as it would turn out, “jesussssssss” is not the password to enter faith chapel’s wifi network.

Sounds like…Sami
(541) My math teacher staples Burger King applications to failed tests.

(317) Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I’m walking down the street.

(404) Just took a career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.

(631) Our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. Welcome to college.

(405) I’m at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.

(412) there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing “tryna catch me ridin dirty”

Sounds like…Jennifer
(+44) Ideas for Halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.

Sounds like…Rachel
(925) “Ever since I killed her kid she be actin’ shady.” Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.

(801) Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes.

(310) It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots.

(850) Lesson #67 learned in college: a three-day old margarita, is still a margarita

(248) New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.

(828) if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.

(720) you should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes I did just turn that into a verb.

Sounds like…Caitlin
(267) Just realized I can abbreviate Thomas Paine as T Pain in poli theory class notes…YES.

(617) I wish life was like Dora the Explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you.

Sounds like..Anthony
(612) I’m convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person..

(480) I am in Macy’s and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.

(443) where are you?
(240) hypothermia

(250) i just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shitting in our ocean.

Sounds like…Liz
(905) I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can’t really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.

(210) Apparently, I kept going on about how I’m going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.

(502) WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!?

(512) I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective.

(814) i’m thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles

(650) we should be flying in to LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign.
(562) you can’t even see the f-ing Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo.

 
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Posted by on October 31, 2011 in Lists

 

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