Category Archives: Quotable

“Seriously”

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I guess you could say I’ve got a somewhat regular babysitting gig these days, in that when a certain set of parents goes out of town, their kids ask for me to be the one that gets paid to hang out with them.

Not that I mind, I babysit for the coolest, greatest kids ever. True story.

One of them, Will, who you’ve already heard about and I’m sure will again, is one of the funniest people I know. Most of it is unintentional.

Like the other night he kept using air quotes when he’d say things. Like, (air quotes) I have to go to the bathroom. (end air quotes) Or (air quotes) I’m gonna have a breakfast bar. (end air quotes)

I asked him what it meant when you did that with your fingers while you were talking and he said “You do that when you don’t really care about what you’re saying.”

Close enough.

Well when you put it that way, it does sound ridiculous…

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That whole meat-free thing? Still going strong. Well, correction, not strong, because Friday night I got a whiff of a McDonald’s hamburger and I know they’re horrible but for about 40 minutes I really missed them.

I only was near McDonald’s because that’s where I took my favorite six-year-old, Will, to dinner while babysitting him. Usually I’ve got him and his sister, Claire, who is seven, but she had plans tonight so it was just me and the little dude.

You guys, he’s one of the funniest people I know. And it’s 98-percent unintentional. I love talking to kids and asking them serious questions to see what their answers will be because they’re always funny. And usually when I’m with Will, I post them on Twitter at some point (follow me, if you like, my Tweets are near the top righthand corner of this page).

Well, Friday night was no exception and he had a lot of good ones – from wondering why I was a grown-up woman and not married (he had suggestions for who) – to telling me “I don’t care for them” (them being onions, but he talks like a 40-year-old sometimes).

One of my favorite conversations of the evening, however, happened when we were talking about getting his dinner at McDonald’s. I told him I wasn’t eating a burger like he was because I’m a vegetarian, kind of, but I just eat fish, no meats or chicken or anything like that.

His response? “I’m that, too, a vegetarian, except I only eat steaks, but no chicken or fish.”

I feel that I am not being taken seriously in my endeavors..by a six-year-old anyway… #pescetarianproblems

The first sign your friend might be a serial killer

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A few years ago I went to see Dave Matthews Band with my friend, Amber, at Riverbend. Awesome venue, weird rules. Like, no chairs allowed, even though a majority of the venue is grass. Amber was not a fan of the chair rule. Was it because they were worried about people hitting each other with them in a fight? Standing on them? Who knows.

Amber: “I don’t know why they don’t let you bring chairs but they let you bring blankets. You could strangle somebody with a blanket.”

Remembering the end of an era

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Harry Potter has been over for a while now. No new books, no new movies. I refuse to accept it.

Just kidding. But I will miss the excitement of the book release parties and the midnight showings and the fellow HP nerds that made you feel like you belonged.

When the seventh book came out, I was in Jackson, Tennessee, visiting one of the bfs. There were games and snacks and a two-year-old dressed as Dobby and as there always were at these things, news cameras, which brings me to one of my Top Five favorite Sammi quotes ever. (You can see another one here.)

Sammi: I will eat every flavor Bertie Bott‘s if I can just get on TV.

Why I should never be allowed to hire anyone ever again

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When I got my first job out of college as a journalist and became editor in six weeks due to a mean trick by the woman who hired me, I learned a lot. I learned more about photography and page design, I learned that school board meetings are the most boring thing in the world — followed closely by watching golf on television — and I learned what not to look for in an employee. Like, one that doesn’t know how to or really even want to do her job. Except for that she wanted my job after I left.

Reporter I hired who was looking to take my place: “I think I’ll always be a mediocre journalist, but I could definitely be a kick-ass daycare provider.”

This one’s in the Hall of Fame

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I have experienced three “SPRING BREAK (FILL IN THE YEAR) BITCHES!!!!” in my lifetime. Two of those I have been able to experience with one of my bestest friends in the world, Sammi.

I’d tell you about those trips but that’s classified information. What happens in Florida, stays in Florida, except for those alcohol flashbacks.

Case in point, Sammi, several months after one of those trips: “My mouth tastes like Spring Break.”

If I ever add a tagline to this blog…

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I cannot take credit for naming this blog. That would be The Roommate, who said something like, “You should call it ‘On Account Of’ or something like that since you say that a lot.” And the rest is history.

I also cannot take credit for this next gem, which is a beautiful, wonderful compliment (of which are few and far between when it comes to The Roommate and I, but we love each other, I promise. He’s my best friend.) and as I mentioned earlier, a possible future tagline for this here blog.

Anthony: Your writing reminds me of a touching Oprah story.

It’s a toss-up between that or “Like Oprah, only better.”

Trust him, he was a Boy Scout.

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I realize this post is coming immediately after a sweet little post about my Sunday school kiddos and the fun things they say.

Well, the older kiddos say some funny stuff too – as evidenced by Bourbon Boys Round 2 this past weekend.

Case in point: An inebriated Uncle Garr, giving us the best directions he can when we’re wondering how to get from one distillery to another.

Someone in the van: So which way do we need to go to get to Heaven Hill?
Uncle Garr, points at the sun: Well there’s the sun, motherfucker.

Yeah. You guys have no idea about how Saturday was. But I’ll be telling you. Very soon.

In the meantime, refresh your memory with Bourbon Boys Part Uno and relish in the fact that you were there, you remember, the first time the f-bomb was dropped at on-account-of.com.

We’re making history here, people.