Look at me, on the cover of the Rollin’ Stone. All famous and whatnot.
Why is this funny? Perhaps you should read this.
Author Archives: Laura
Numbers are cool
I don’t much care for math – I’m a words girl, you see – but I can appreciate numbers. They’re in some of my all-time favorite songs.
For example:
• #41 by Dave Matthews Band
• 500 Miles by The Proclaimers
• 3 a.m. by Matchbox Twenty
• 6 Foot 7 Foot by Lil’ Wayne
• 99 Problems by Jay-Z
And it’s time to add another one to the list: 1,000 Ships by Rachel Platten
It’s happy. And catchy. And I don’t watch Grey’s Anatomy anymore but I bet this song’s been on there. Probably on some montage of them all leaving for work or something. It always has good music, I just stopped watching because I like my shows less depressing.
Remembering the end of an era
Harry Potter has been over for a while now. No new books, no new movies. I refuse to accept it.
Just kidding. But I will miss the excitement of the book release parties and the midnight showings and the fellow HP nerds that made you feel like you belonged.
When the seventh book came out, I was in Jackson, Tennessee, visiting one of the bfs. There were games and snacks and a two-year-old dressed as Dobby and as there always were at these things, news cameras, which brings me to one of my Top Five favorite Sammi quotes ever. (You can see another one here.)
Sammi: I will eat every flavor Bertie Bott‘s if I can just get on TV.
Swarles Barkley
Today is my soon-to-be brother-in-law’s birthday. Whoa. That’s weird to say. I haven’t wrote a blog about him before, but since they’re getting married now and he’s gonna be around more, I guess I should start.
Just kidding, he’s been around for 10 years already and this wedding thing is really just a formality to make it official and a chance for us to throw a huge party because he’s been my brother for years.
He goes by many names – Chuckie, Chuck, Charles, Swarles, Swarlees, Chuck Diesel, Charmazmin, Mister Bubbie.
And keeping with the birthday theme I’ve begun this year, I’m going to give you a list of some of the things I like about him.
Because who doesn’t like lists? Especially if they’re complimentary in nature.
1. Vacation Chuckie.
2. He’s a good motivator, he always tells people they can do something, no problem.
3. When he was little he named his dogs after kids in his class. Adorable.
4. He was my Best Band Friend in high school. I have notes somewhere with that label to prove it.
5. He takes good care of my sister. And his friends and family.
6. He’ll sing karaoke and harmonize with me, especially on the theme song from Friends.
7. Party Chuckie.
8. He’s a real-life ninja. Seriously. Don’t play ninja tag with him. You will never win.
9. He stayed outside at the Haunted Yard with me this year (that shit’s scary!)
10. Sometimes we hold hands to make Rachel mad. (Seriously you guys, I just like holding hands with people…)
Not a poet and I know it
I have been known to dabble in poetry. You know, there was the couple of times I decided haikus were a good idea, not to mention that poetry book I had to write in high school that my sophomore English teacher looked at for eight seconds before giving me (and everyone else who completed it, whether it sucked or not) an A.
I worked hard on that thing. My mom even framed one of the poems. I just want to be appreciated for my talents.
A week or so ago I went on a tumblr rampage – meaning in looking around online I found about 20 new blogs/tumblrs to follow that are pretty much genius. One of my favorites is one called Newspaper Blackout.
On the site, they basically black out almost all of the words and make it into poetry. They take submitted pieces, which I’m contemplating. On account of my knack for poetry.
Wherein I contemplate getting a brand-new face
I hate my senior pictures. There I said it. Hate them. It’s really not a secret though, I’ve joked on them since we got the proofs and my mom framed an 8-by-10 of probably the worst one, one that still hangs in the family room at their house, so that the only way I could escape it was to move out.
We refer to it as Lancelot, because really, there’s no other way to explain it. I’ll just show you…
Sorry it’s dark. It was 10 years ago. It’s an artifact.
Now let’s dissect it.
1. A turtleneck. WTF. That smile on my face is fake because a) I can’t smile on command and b) I am most likely choking. Turtlenecks do that to me. And it’s white. What the hell? I’m surprised there’s not something on it already. It takes me .912 seconds to get something on a new white shirt. We may have kept this in an air-tight container until moments before this photo.
2. Beautiful cheekbones, I will say that. Still got ‘em, too. I am 90 percent sure they are what fools people into thinking I’m photogenic (seriously, I get that a lot and I think it’s hilarious).
3. Class ring. Currently unaccounted for (but somewhere in this apartment so don’t freak out, Mom, it’s probably in a box in the closet) and this was the only day I wore it besides the ring ceremony where we got it – proving my point that I do not need an engagement ring when proposed to someday. Guys (well guy, I guess, whoever you may end up being), don’t waste your money on bling for me. We should spend the money on a trip instead.
4. BANGS. The bane of my existence my whole senior year – well, that and Kris. This was about the time I decided to start growing the bangs out. Do you know how long it takes to grow out bangs? They were SHELLACKED to the sides of my head at prom because they weren’t long enough to pull back or to leave like they are in this picture. Rough life, I tell ya.
5. Split ends. Also, right where that number five is? The ONE natural wave I have in my hair. ONE. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?
Oh also? This is Lancelot.
The resemblance is astonishing.
I tell you that story to tell you this one.
The background: While in jolly olde England this summah, (yes that was all intentional) I bought my family souvenirs, because I am that sweet and thoughtful. While at Abbey Road, I bought my mom a Beatles bag, that she now uses to take her lunch and other stuff to work.
Exhibit A:
Earlier this week, she relayed to me a story involving said bag that made me wonder what exactly I must really look like, because my mirrors have got it completely wrong.
Apparently the bag was sitting in the back room and was folded over so you couldn’t see that it said anything about the Beatles. Her friend/co-worker, who is someone I used to like asked her where she’d gotten a bag/why she had a bag with my picture on it.
My picture. Or, you know, one of Sir Paul McCartney. Same thing.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go have a cry and re-evaluate every haircut and fashion choice I have made in my almost 28 years of life.
I take this job very seriously
My little sister is getting married in August – more on that another time – and as her bridesmaids, me and the baby sister and the bffs all got assignments for the day of the event in the cards asking us to be a part of their day.
Mine, obvs, is to be in charge of the playlist when we’re getting ready.
And you read this blog, you know me. It’s gonna have a LOT of Glee on it. True story.
Part of my challenge, however, is getting everyone to be Glee fans before the day. I think almost all of us are, but for the hold-outs, I am making it my mission to make them a fan by then.
My evidence to support my case? This video:
Yes, it’s corny, but I would totally say yes if I got proposed to like that. (It is a proposal, for those of you who don’t watch, the video just cuts off before he asks her). And also, if you liked nothing else, how hilarious is it when Artie rolls his wheelchair into the pool at the beginning?
Jennifer, you will like this show before August 24th.
Sounds familiar XIV
There are at least three on here that I believe the person I said it sounds like has actually sent. Seriously.
Sounds like… Me
(603): He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
(605): You were throwing up and said, “Wipe my face, I must look presentable at all times.”.
(705): You hid from a cop under some guy’s canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work.
(830): No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted “JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT” and everyone started doing them with her.
(570): Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like “pencil sharpener.” Damn rosetta stone.
(716): i looked at my phone & had a message that said “tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath.” I give you props.
(715): How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I’m anxious about it.
(406): Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift.
(717): Leave the bottle at home cause either way I’m not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
(1-717): Gold star for you, but I’m on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
(304): The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I’d take care of my friends puke.
(304) I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
(507) Dear everyone. As mark stated I did the ‘piss n run’ last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. “If I could turn back time” – cher
(916) I told you I would drunk text you sometime… it’s that time.
(724) I’m drunk and confused. there might be a four-year-old here.
(512) he said something along the lines of “fish can smell fear.”
Sounds like… Rachel
(478): He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
(678): Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out “I don’t have AIDS”.
(406): K, so let’s go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea.
(519): He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
(283): He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score though.
(805): Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases… and like 30 people drank it all?
(313): Everything hurts.
(703): No. I’m wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me.
(269) I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. stay tuned.
(401) I just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love october.
(267) your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats.
(773) why didn’t you say something constructive, like, “Stop chugging that vodka”?
Sounds like… Sami
(+44): you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
(404): my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
(513): Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled “2010″ on it from you in the mail?
(508) help help how do I get him away from me should I talk in a robot voice or something
(859) they seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. i love college.
(+44) Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future.
Sounds like… Anthony
(570): Chicken wings don’t come back up an through your nose as easily as you’d think.
(781): I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
(860): I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs.
(936): You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper’s clevage and said “Keep this warm for me.
(734) if my nicknames are based on what i throw up, you can call me Jimmy John’s.
(804) I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. fuck a serving size
(610) you’re the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I’m OK.
Sounds like… Jennifer
(330): Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
(406): You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
(1-406): That literally makes no sense
(406): Exactly.
(306): Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
(724): Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy’s in the shitter.
(506): Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident.
(501): You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I’m wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a “Puke Me Pretty” Barbie.
(304) call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Sounds like… Liz
(808): Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
(412): I made a Wendy’s employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night.
(216): I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair.
(780): let’s see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING.
(503): Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol.
(910): Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst… Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it’s obsession with chewing on cardboard…. Time for a nap.
(919): I have been drinking since 2. And I’m now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna’s helping.
(614): Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar.
(217) win + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
(914) There’s a girl in my class named “La-a” pronounced “Luh Dash uh” I hate everyone.
(515) you ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune and 1 deal or no deal ….by yourself with sound effects and music included.
(831) tequila shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better.
Sounds like…Sammi
(609) we tried to pick out bridesmaids dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Incredible and insane
I think when OK Go plans their music videos, they start out with the thought “What’s the most random thing we could do this time?” And then they go like, 100 miles beyond that.
You know I love them. Their music is great and I’ve been a fan since college when a former roommate introduced me to them and I wondered why I hadn’t heard of them long before.
Their videos get progressively more awesome as time goes by and just when I thought they couldn’t top the one for “This Too Shall Pass” and its crazy domino-effect all completely real tricks, they go and do this:
I can’t even.. no words.
They liked me, they really liked me
One of the great things about being a journalist is getting to meet people. And they always like you.
The following was said to me once by a former county official at a past job when I showed up at an 8 a.m. meeting (but the paper’s offices didn’t open until 9): “We thought we’d scheduled this early enough so you wouldn’t come.”
